How to counteract parental peer pressure & become a happy parent.
By Carmen Chan Ka Mun, JP
Chief Principal
To the majority of K3 parents, the summer holidays are a stressful time as it becomes uncertain as to whether or not your child will be accepted by what the parents regard as their ideal school. Adding to parent's anxiety is the pressure of the approaching interview period, as the rush begins to prepare their children as well as they can.
In a recent parent's workshop, 'Play shapes the future', the speaker asked the parents to compare children's games nowadays to the ones played by the older generations and were subsequently asked, "Who was happier?". The parents responded simultaneously; their own childhoods were happier. The speaker then questioned this response, "how come children today are not happy?", one of the parents responded frankly by saying that children nowadays are under lots of pressure as they are pushed to apply to schools with a good name, resulting in a unhappy childhood. "Well," the speaker replied, "do the children apply for these schools themselves?"
During a 'Home-Schooled Co-operation Committee' seminar, a guest speaker pointed out that in the 21st century, a large portion of our population suffers from various mental disorders. And, research has shown that the number of patients who experience psychosis in Hong Kong has been increasing, particularly in the younger generations. According to the guest speaker, many parents nowadays feel overwhelmed and attempt to do everything they can to give their child the very best, regardless of whether or not their child really needs all of this. Schools and parents alike know that the world is a fast changing place; society, universities and the world is ever changing, and if you fall behind, it will be difficult to try and catch up.
Yet, a child's learning process can be diverse, there is no set path towards success. Renowned educator John Dewey suggested that education should not be restricted to a particular time frame; it should be ongoing and involve real-life tasks and challenges. For don't we all learn through our daily life experiences? However, the real problem may lie with the parents themselves. Many parents nowadays are unable to accept their children if they display any kind of 'weakness', the slightest 'unusual' behavior, or thoughts. Are modern parents meeting societal demands or are they being misled in their beliefs and perceptions? Many may be too busy enjoying themselves to enjoy the little things that make their child unique so that when they see another child's achievements, they fear their own child falling behind and therefore push them even harder. The celebrated psychologist Jean Piaget believed that all individuals learn at different paces and arrive at different levels at different times. For example, children all learn to walk at different ages through different styles of learning, and even then, they all walk at different paces. Some children like to observe then question, others like to interrogate then research. Although the learning styles are different, who is to say which one is better than the other?
Each individual possesses their own unique talents, allocated to them from birth. Despite their goodwill, parents who attempt to rush their children's development may in the process do more damage than good. However, parents should not be discouraged; on the contrary, encouragement should be given to parents to find their children's talents and strengths. Find them, and cultivate them, let them blossom in their own time and aid their development. This way, you'll feel less pressure and provide a happier and more unique upbringing for your child.
What is Positive Discipline?
Positive discipline is an approach to guide children to develop self-discipline, responsibilities, problem solving skills and cooperation. Many literature points out that the positive discipline approach is powerful in helping children learn constructively, happily, healthily and effectively. Dr. Jane Nelsen, an educational psychologist and the best-selling co-author of a positive discipline series and believes that many inappropriate behaviours can be traced back to the failure to develop the significant “Seven Perceptions and Skills” (Nelsen, Lott and Glenn, 1977). Children are more willing to follow rules that they have helped establish. They become effective decision makers with healthy self-concepts when they learn to be contribution members of a family of society.
Three Perceptions:
- Perception of personal capabilities: “I am capable of doing....”
- Perception of significance in primary relationships: “I contribute in meaningful ways, and I am genuinely needed.”
- Perception of personal power of influence over life: “I use my power to make choices that influence what happens to me and my community.”
Four Skills
- Interpersonal skills
- Intrapersonal skills
- Systemic skills
- Judgement skills